Team Lalo SalamancaChampionsRed · Captain Jack
Jack
Team Lalo · Red · Captain
Dressed like a member, putted like a pro, captained like a mob boss.
3–1
Record
19.0
HCP
×2
Putter · Best Dressed
Putter of the Trip, Best Dressed, and a head-to-head win over the opposing captain — a near-perfect weekend, one blemish: Nima and Shane got him and Pige at Rum Pointe. No 19-handicap putts like that; the committee is reviewing his math.
Signature Club
The putter. It has a name we're not allowed to know.
Jagger
Team Lalo · Red
The reason the draft got scrapped.
4–0
Record
4.0
HCP
MVP
2025
Went 4–0 and never looked like he was trying, the only real golfer in a field doing golf-adjacent activities. Getting drawn against him isn't a match, it's a chore.
Signature Club
All of them. That's the problem.
Devon
Team Lalo · Red
4–0 and Team MVP. The Red engine.
4–0
Record
20.0
HCP
MVP
Team Red
4–0, including the 7&6 burial at Rum Pointe and the MVP-vs-MVP singles win over Austin. A perfect weekend he made look like a warm-up.
Signature Flex
A 20 handicap that went 4–0 with three different partners.
Alex
Team Lalo · Red
Went 3–1 and nobody can prove it.
3–1
Record
16.0
HCP
—
Honors
Three quiet wins, one of the most reliable guys on the winning side, with not one memorable shot to show for it. Golf like a witness-protection program.
Drink of Choice
Domestic light. Finished before you noticed he had one.
Caleb
Team Lalo · Red
Two partners, two 1UP wins, and a weekend nobody clocked.
2–2
Record
20.0
HCP
—
Honors
Two 1UP grinders with two different partners — Rum Pointe next to CLinds, River Run next to Devon. Then he handed Shane a Saturday point in the singles to land right back at even.
Walk-Up Song
Something way too confident. The playlist wrote checks the scorecard bounced.
CLinds
Team Lalo · Red
A win, a halve, and a 30 handicap with no immunity.
1–2–1
Record
30.0
HCP
1½
Points
Stole the Rum Pointe 1UP next to Caleb and halved his singles with Zack — a point and a half out of a 30 handicap with no FAT badge to hide behind. All of the golf, none of the immunity.
Signature Shot
The provisional. Hit before anyone asks.
Brandon
Team Lalo · Red FAT
FAT on the badge, 3–1 in the book.
3–1
Record
45.0
HCP
W
Singles
A 45 handicap who went 3–1, including a 3&1 singles win over Millan in the FAT-vs-FAT title bout. It will be his opening topic until well into 2026.
Signature Shot
The 3&1 closer. Don't ask, he'll tell you anyway.
Pige
Team Lalo · Red FAT
A handicap that means nothing, a swing that's a rumor, a casino still recovering.
2–2
Record
54.0
HCP
Vibes
Captain
Split his four matches and won Vibes Captain in a landslide — the registered 54 is a formality, he's a FAT, the number means nothing. The swing is a rumor; the craps table is a documentary.
Table of Choice
Craps. Bring money you were planning to lose anyway.
Team McAndrewBlue · Captain Miles · Runners-Up
Miles
Team McAndrew · Blue · Captain
Captained the loss, went 0–4, and got voted the fattest man who isn't even a FAT.
0–4
Record
19.0
HCP
75%
FATtest Non-FAT
Showed up to all four matches knowing exactly how they'd go — that's heart, or denial. The captain went 0–4 and lost his singles to the opposing captain. Then the group voted him "FATtest Non-FAT" in a 75% landslide: the one man with no FAT badge who still played like he'd earned one. It's not a trophy.
Captain's Ritual
The pregame speech. Undefeated at speeches, 0–4 at golf.
Austin
Team McAndrew · Blue
Team B MVP by acclamation. By record, less so.
1–3
Record
15.2
HCP
×2
MVP · Surprise
Team B MVP and Biggest Surprise, both by wide margins — the votes loved him. The record didn't: 1–3, including the Rum Pointe scramble he and Zack coughed up and the MVP-vs-MVP singles loss to Devon. Blue's best record was actually Shane's.
Walk-Up Song
Something nobody saw coming. It's on brand.
Shane
Team McAndrew · Blue
Blue's best record, on the team that lost 26–14. Somebody had to be.
3–1
Record
12.6
HCP
Best
Blue Record
Blue's best record by a mile: the 5&4 Newport rout with Tully, the Rum Pointe scramble he and Nima took off Pige and Jack, and the only Saturday singles win Blue managed. On a team this cold, that's a heater.
Signature Move
Lining up a 3-footer like they might give it to him.
Zack
Team McAndrew · Blue
Quiet all weekend, and the record finally matches.
1–2–1
Record
20.0
HCP
—
Honors
One team win — the River Run 4&3 with Nima — plus a halved singles, and not much else. A rounding error in every sense, which tracks: one MVP vote, one Vibes vote, and a weekend nobody can quite place him at.
Walk-Up Song
None. He'd genuinely rather you didn't notice him.
CJones
Team McAndrew · Blue
Second-best handicap on the trip. You'd never know.
1–3
Record
9.5
HCP
—
Honors
Earned Blue a real point early with the 1UP Newport win. Then a 9.5 who went 1–3, drawing Jagger in singles and never standing a chance.
Walk-Up Song
Something that peaked in the first verse. Like the weekend.
Tully
Team McAndrew · Blue
Peaked at 8:20 a.m. Friday.
1–3
Record
10.0
HCP
—
Honors
Half of the 5&4 Newport statement, Blue's loudest win of the event. After Friday morning: three straight losses and radio silence.
Drink of Choice
Whatever they poured Friday morning. Bring that guy back.
Nima
Team McAndrew · Blue FAT
Built the website. Lost to Porkchop.
2–2
Record
45.0
HCP
—
Honors
Two real wins — the Rum Pointe scramble with Shane that took down Pige and Jack, then the River Run 4&3 with Zack. Then lost the FAT-vs-FAT singles to Pige, so there's still no spin. We checked.
Signature Club
The laptop. The only equipment he's undefeated with.
Millan
Team McAndrew · Blue FAT
Zero wins. Most Handsome. God balances the books.
0–4
Record
50.0
HCP
8
Most Handsome
Co-Most Handsome with a field-leading 8 votes, undefeated in the mirror, and winless everywhere else. Including a 3&1 FAT-bowl loss to Brandon.
Signature Accessory
A mirror. His only winning matchup.